My Side. The Right Side.

I don't feel like writing.
I don't feel like talking.
I want to curse.
And that's pretty much it.
My heart is broken and I'm tired.
Slightly naive and nostalgic,
Once you gave me a taste of a familiar warm feeling,
I fell deep into the abyss of your "perfect man" facade.
While I told myself that I had control over my emotions,
And that I didn't have to love you,
A part of me knew that you had a part of me.
And I let you keep it because
I was comfortable with my divine suffering.
But it all went too far.
I loved hard someone that held me at an arms length
Instead of in his arms.
Now I wish indifference was in my reach,
But its not.
I cared. I care.
You have half of me and all I have are broken promises and a half of an apology.
I always expected more from you. ..
I'm not exactly sure why.

Indian Giving.

The Situation. My one, my only,
My anti-drug, who just so happens to look amazing holding a blunt.
You changed me, in good ways and bad ways.
Loved me so good that I thought I would NEVER love anyone else.
Emotional, physical, mental,
I poured my all into you.
I'm not one trick, even though I got it.
But if you were hungry, you ate.
I'm a firm believer that how you start something off is exactly how you'll finish it.
With that being said, I WISH that I had realized the fabrications
Before I decided to jump head first,
With just hopes and wishes,
Thoughts of your last name attached to my first and tattooed across my ring finger.
But that was all I thought about.
I didn't think about the fact that eventually lies would destroy us.
Yours. Mine. Everybody's.
We never really had a chance.
When shit got difficult, we acted irrationally, chose sides and called it quits.
You can't force someone to see eye to eye with you,
And you can't force thoughts, conjectures, aspirations or intentions to disregard themselves,
Leaving your mind entirely.
My sleep is disturbed by thoughts of you.
Although my conscious self has forgiven you
and found other ways to occupy its time,
my dreams won't let you go.
That's how I know that this wasn't exactly a complete loss,
But, no more are the days that I'll love you at all costs. . .

Aimless Thoughts from A Jaded Heart. . .

Its been weeks.
And its showing.
The time and effort that I put into this relationship, or lack thereof.
Is not reaping any benefits.
What I fail to understand is how I continue to buy into these sold dreams.
We are so past reality, so past normalcy,
That I can't even decipher whether I'm right or you're wrong.
Who's telling the truth?
Or better yet, who's truth is it?
Am I crazy to think that every gaze, every moment, every arguement
Holds the utmost significance as far as we each are concerned?
Or have you COMPLETELY lost your mind because you're choosing to forget?
My thoughts are tainted with images of what was and what could have been.
Whats supposed to be. And what is clearly not occurring.
Your thoughts are elsewhere and have nothing to do with me.
My heart is torn in two,
And each piece has been strategically placed 2,500 miles in an opposite direction.
Everyday is a struggle.
Real love in its finest hour. This is stupid.

October, August, April.

Naive thoughts take turns slapping my face in attempts to wake me up
From this reality that I don't want to face.
Neither one of us was ever much of anything
But together we could have been everything......
Or so the naive thoughts told me.
I based my formative years on the image of you
That kept me warm
While your actual being was slowly attempting to snatch away my ability to love
As if it were my innocence and I was just too old to believe in fairy tales anymore.
Split myself into tiny pieces in order to accomplish all things at once
Because all I wanted was to make you happy.
A promise of not now, but later was enough to keep me hanging on to your every word
Like you were Jesus Christ himself, emerged from the heavens
To bless me in all your excellence.
But just like Jesus, you're a frame of mind that requires patience and faith,
Things that I attempted to give to you right along with my all and my everything.
"Attempted" because I'm no longer trying now that "later" is no longer an option.
Just a naive girl, with naive thoughts.

2/26/2009.